Struggling with Surrender

I wanted to say I surrender. I surrender to the higher power. I surrender to the Will of God. The truth is, I’m still struggling. I’m still trying to swim upstream, still questioning, still doubting, and still so profoundly unsatisfied. Even after all this time. Even after all the knowledge I have been blessed with. It seems I have forgotten, or maybe I never truly knew what I thought I knew.

There was a time, when it seemed so simple to manifest my desires. I simply had to “sing the song and do nothing” as Maharishi said, and poof! Doors would open, the people I need would just pop into my life out of nowhere, and before I knew it, I would be blessed with what I desired. There were no doors shut in my face, no rejections, and no disappointments.

Things are different now. The wheels of manifestation are not running so smoothly anymore. I am being met with rejections and disappointments, to the point where I am losing interest. I am becoming apathetic. I am becoming jaded. I am struggling with doubt. I suppose it is an inevitable stop in our journey. Even Jesus had his doubts…

“Doubt is useful for a while. We must all pass through the garden of Gethsemane.

If Christ played with doubt so must we. If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” then surely we are also permitted doubt.

But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.” Yann Martel – Life of Pi.

I have wasted enough time and energy worrying about things that are beyond my control. I know God/the Universe has my best interest at heart, I just forget that sometimes. I must return to the Self. I must be grateful. I must surrender.

To surrender is not to be complacent, nor is it a free pass to stop striving for success, love, happiness, and other desires. I will still work my hands to the bone manifesting my larger than life dreams. I will just do so with the awareness that things tend to work out for the best, even if I don’t see it at the time.

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